Of late, I have had immense difficulty in mustering up the courage to put my fingers on the keyboard. I have felt as if there was nothing much left to say. I have being feeling extremely negative about all that life has thrown my way and struggled to find enough strength to write any words of a positive nature and have long been taught “if you don not have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. Thus I felt that I really didn’t have anything to say.
Last night, I allowed the tears to just ‘flow’ and it really felt like an outpouring of all that has taken place in my world of late. I allowed all of my negative thoughts to be release as I came to the realization that I am powerless to change what I cannot not change, but that it was also incredibly important to change that which I could.
The last two weeks have consisted of numerous medical appointments as the cycle of physical pain returns. This was not unexpected, but more a forgone conclusion, as the nerve block that I had prior to Christmas has steadily worn off. Changes in medication to trial have been organized, hopefully with less debilitating side effects, an emotional support person nominated, all while I am put on a waiting list pending the arrival of a new pulse radio-frequency machine, while I await the next nerve block. Nothing too out of the ordinary really.
Driving home from yesterday’s appointment I felt an intense feeling of loneliness, I wanted to have that special someone to be there to hold me and tell me all would be okay. For the past few years Steven (name changed) had been that person. Steven and I spent many hours together in and out of hospital, playing cards, laughing, crying and searching for a cure to my illness. At one stage even a trip to a specialist in France, to visit a pioneer and leading surgeon on PNE, was being considered. (We came to meet this Professor at a national summit in Australia further down the track).A long, complicated story, short, upon being informed that my condition was incurable and that all that could be done was to manage the chronic pain as best as possible, my partner came to the conclusion that the relationship had run it’s course and that it was best that we just remain good friends. He signed himself up for online dating immediately. That I was over six months ago.
Steven continued to call by and offer help if needed. Taking me out for dinner, to the movies, just as if nothing had changed. It was very unclear as to where the boundaries between friendship and partner were drawn. On this past weekend he returned from a trip that we had hoped to do together, climbing Mt Kilimanjaro and an African Safari tour. Steven brought the photos over for me to view, upon which I broke down in tears. For me this was a final straw. I was being reminded of the loss of life I was supposed to be living… And it hurt, badly!!! This ‘friendship’ was doing more harm than good and I was the only one who could change the situation. I needed to move on, as much as this hurt. I had another sucky side effect of be ill, my relationship was definitely over and done with.
I know that I have friends and loved ones who believe that I am strong and coping with the changes life has handed me, and without their belief in me, life would definitely be more difficult than it has been. I have struggled to come to terms with the fact that I need to ask, allow and accept that I sometimes need help. And I have struggled to accept that I now have to pace daily activities and cannot plan too far ahead. My controlling and ordered nature has had to fall by the wayside. But with their love and support I am creating a new life and am trying to focus on the possibilities that await me.
In the last 24 hours good news arrived unexpectedly. A beautiful friend is to marry. Being single at our age has bought with it good times and bad. And my heart feels such a sense of joy that my dear Lisa will now have that someone special to be by her side. She is one of the most caring and giving ladies I know and she deserves all the happiness her future husband will bring. Just when the world seemed jaded and with little to smile about, fate has definitely stepped in and created some much needed sunshine.. Love you to the moon and back Leese ….