In order to fight depression which is often comorbid with Chronic Pain & Illness, it is imperative that we try our best to maintain contact with the outside world. Some days, this is easier said then done. And so, the voices in your head begin.
I recently had an invitation to dinner with my newly married friend and another dear friend that I haven’t seen in quite awhile. The voices are telling me that in order to attend dinner I will need to rest all week to ensure that I would be able to drive an hour and a half to my home town. I was so excited but anxious at the same time. My precious daughter came over, firstly to puppy-sit and secondly to help me to stop stressing about getting dressed and worrying about my physical appearance. It took me over three hours to get myself organized and out the door.
Less then 30 minutes into the drive and severe pain kicked in. I was angry! The voices in my head were in argument overload. Should I keep driving or should I turn back now? I had not isolated myself and rested all week only to have to turn around and cancel an outing that happens so rarely. I was determined to arrive at my destination as promised. My positive voice won out. I chose to stop several times along the way, stretching, taking additional medication, arriving safe and sound, exhilarated to have made it. The pain was worth it. It was a blessing to see my friends. I don’t normally mix my medication with alcohol but I wanted to feel normal, I wanted to feel like my life was how I once remembered it. Working hard, post-grad studying, socializing and loving life. My voices need to stop reminding me of this past life and it’s experiences. That life now feels surreal, or is it the life that I now am embedded in that is surreal? I feel as if I am waiting for the next stage of life to begin….Hey, I’m more than ready!! There has to be more to life than taking too many tablets to list each day and working out strategies to make myself leave my apartment. (Between you and me, I’m losing on the last front over the past few weeks) You see it’s a catch 22. When I muster the determination to leave home, pain develops, which I accept, so additional medication is required, but I feel the immense joy of being part of the human race beyond my four walls. On a really bad day, I can be at the bank, hairdressers or sitting waiting for an appointment and the pain can become so severe so quickly that an ambulance needs to be called. It’s always a chance or risk that has to be taken upon leaving home. My voices therefore swing back and forth, which I’m now sensing is fear based, about getting out & about more often.
Following an outing and upon returning home, I require extra sleep over the next few days as a result of extra medication, the depression slowly kicks in again. Tragic cycle. My inner voices remind myself of the many positive aspects in my world that I have to be grateful for during these dark days. I write lists of activities that I want to achieve for motivation, and I blog. Although it is open for all to read, it feels great to have released my thoughts, knowing that there are others reading this post who can totally relate to how I am feeling. For readers who may not be ill or suffering, I’m hopeful that these posts can provide insight to how friends who are ill may be feeling, but who are unable to verbalise the voices in their head for you.
Health & Happiness 🙂
This little fellow never fails to brighten my day !!